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okay, my new laptop is so awesome, it's gets internet pratically everywhere, even at N-chan's house. I was there this weekend and i got shells and hotel soaps from the bahamas, which is pretty rad. she already had the birthday present i got for her, she apparently bought it before her birthday x_X;. i don't buy anything for like a month before my birth day and even after my birthday i have to wait for christmas presents.... i hate having my birthday in december, like not only do you have to save all the stuff that came out during the whole rest of the year for listing but all the stuff that comes out at the holiday season. i really wish that my parents could have my birthday celebrations on my half birthday instead of my actual birthday as far as celebrations and present giving goes so they're not sending large sums of money at the same time since alot of the stuff i want will get cut out due to having to get everything for christmas as well which is more than one person, if they celebrated during june or something then they wouldn't have to worry about spening too much for my birthday and not being able to afford x-mas presents for every one, maybe just get me something small for my birthday and going out to dinner would be fine because i would get all the stuff i couldn't afford during the rest of the year on my half birthday. everything would be cool like that everyone would be happy, i've suggested this many times in the past, but like any idea for bettering certain situations presented to my parents (like going back to therapy) are procrastinated upon and eventually shrugged off and a vicious circle is created.

i wish my parents would listen to me about important things, things that truely concern me, like going back to therapy. my anxiety problems really have an effect on my life, i've spent almost my entire summer cooped up in my house because i'm afraid to leave the house on my own. even if it's generally safe in my area, a certain unrepresented danger pops into the back of my head if a i even consider the idea of just getting outside and walking up the street. i know it's nonsensical and even called childish by my mom when she's in her regular "too bullheaded to empathize"  disposition. i've confronted her many times about going to a therapist, i've had N-chan get me pamphlets, i've suggested that my mom call her mom for information, i've even begged her to get me help at the tail end of two panic attacks that i've had during the summer (and before the summer as well), i've discussed and requested so many times and she complied (half heartedly i presume now) but it never sinks in. i'm so afraid that when it comes down to it i'll be almost too far gone before she actually tries to get the help i need. i'm afraid that it'll have to come down to me doing something horribly drastic and desperate that she'll have to send me to therapy or a hospital for help. i really don't want that to happen and i'm so scared of that happening but with the way things are continueing it just may come down to that and it's fritening that they're just letting it lead down to it, the eventual "giant fucking breakdown". even N-chan has expressed concerned and even asked her mom to call my mom, even though i agree with this motion but i think her mom would think she'd be doing it behind my back, if the thought comes up while i'm at N-chan's house i'll bring it up to her. hopefully it can end well, but it's still uncertain for me.
i got my lappy! i'm typing on it now in here ^_^. soooo right now i'm trying to get through the flyff download.... i haven't played in a loooong time. i'mk also trying to find the message boards and stuf i posted in before the dell crashed. i also have chip dip that's yummy today. i might get to have some good wine sometime soon. my mom got some that sounds like it tastes good. i'm also trying to harvest diru pics ><;. it's actually not going bad though, so it's good. i might try to watch a movie later. 

the toshiba has new lappy smell, it's so pretty i love it ^___^. 
now big brother is on so ima watch that.

bai bai <3 miyako.
i'm soooooo tired of summer already, i wnat to go back to school now ;_;. 
N-chan needs to call me or something, i need a reason to get out of my house this week. 
i can't wait to get my schedual  and go supply shopping, school supplies get me excited, i don't know why x3. 

uh i submited something into my deviart page. right now i'm watching pokemon which say alot about my current mental state. oh and friday i'm getting my new lappy, it's the one linked in my last entry ^_______^.

i want dinner so i'm gonna leave this now.

bai bai <3 miyako 
my lappy is effed. i'm getting a new one. i've found one that looks completely awesome in almost every possible way..... here.  it has ms works wich basically covers school needs, i was wary about graphs but one only gets those once a year and your given comp lab time for those so it's not really necessary but nice to have but i really don't need it since windows usually comes with paint wich covers any need for graphics really. it has built in camera and mics and has a 200GB drive, and it's alot cheaper than the hp i was looking at that had less stuff. i can't wait ><; it's so perfect and stuff ^_^. 

uh that's about it. i can't wait to go back to school.
What are you afraid of?

uh mana from malice mizer and moi dix mois is rather scary. that and zombies, even though i enjoy the movies actually getting attacked by them frightens me. i also don't like falling that much, but i have horrible balance wich makes confronting this quite inevitable. 

umm nothing much has happend lately. N-chan is in the Bahamas i think. i'm really, really bored, i need people to hang out with :/

bai bai <3 miyako

speaking of which you're a porno mag

my desktop i fucking lagggggg ><;. my laptop fucking fragged, every time i turn it on it doesn't even get to loading windows before giving me the blue screen of death. most of the people i've talked to about it (people that actually know a few things about computers and such) say i should just get a new one and sell the parts that still work like my disck drve and the shell of my desceased laptop. much like the sundance they say it's probably a situation where it will cost just as much to fix as to get a new one and lately i've seen some ads for the spiffy new model of the insiron, IT COMES IN PINK! and it has a pretty good processor so i'm told. i'll have to do some hardcore money raising and begging for it tough, unless i can find a professional that will tell me it's completely fragged. on thing that sucks is that i lost alot of my pics, like my 200+ collection of MCr pics and the pictures from my trip to jamestown :<. 

on a good note though, i went shopping today. i got resident evil 4 for the Wii, it's hard, i'll have to get used the controls, but it's also fun, i blew someones head clean off, which is always sign for a good game. i also got a new mp3 jack speaker type thing, AND IT"S A KITTY! ^_________^. you can also have it make those dj "cat scatch" noises, it's adorable. 

ummmm what else... , my cousin found my myspace :D. uh that's about it. 

i just realized that all the dirty dirty dirty diru songs are next to each other on my mp3 player xD.

bai bai <3 miyako.

i'm back from my trip to Jamestown and now i'm at home again, which is good.

my tamagotchi is all grown up, i'm so proud of it xD. i had a bunch of points so i bought it a pencil and it draws tadpoles, it's cute.

i might be going back to therapy but with a better therapist which is good, chances are my parents wil procrastinate in actually requesting that service but hopefully that will happen soon. i had at least two panic attacks in the last two days on the drive back from the trip and the first day of being home, the last ne was pretty bad, i won't go into detail but hopefully i get to go back to a better therapist. the last one was too judgemental and they said the way to help my mild agrophobia was to wear a wistle with me at all times, which is the stupidest thing i've ever heard, she also pushed breathing exercises on me, those NEVER work, if they did i wouldn't have to go to therapy because they teach you that in eighth grade health, obviously if my anxeity problems were as easily solved by simple breathing techniques i wouldn't have to be forking over $20 a week for your shotty services. the same lady also said she was surprised i wasn't in special education because i was diagnosed with ADD in second grade (which may be the reason why i had problems because the medications that i probably didn't need messed with my brain chemicals so much). that afore mention comment was on the first day, she had my mom tell her everything, my mom says that my problems are because i'm a pessimist (eyeroll) and would probably recomened that i read The Secret or some bullshit that tells people that depression and bipolar, ect., don't exsist and those people should have a positive attitude and if they just think something good will happen it will. thus creating a bunch of dellusional assfucks. another problem with my mom is that she actually thinks i have ADD, i don't think i do, i just have a lack of motivation and the teacher don't do anything about the fact, the doctor apparently had ADD hence he had a bias to diagnosed me with it and put me on ritalin for 5 years when i didn't need it, that and the guys name was Dr. Hack (seriously), i don't think there's a more obvious tip off than that -__-;. i've also had at least two other kids i remember attending class with that had ADD, they were in all the normal academics with me, i don't know why it surprised her that i wasn't in special education classes. i mean for christ sake i "had" ADD, not autism, if she was any good at her job she would have known the difference.

anywho, while i was at Jamestown i got to go to the Erie zoo, that was so much fun. they had zebra and lemurs and orangutans and lions and polar bears and dik diks and leopards ^____________^ <3<3<3 it was so cute. i love zoo :D. and we went to my cousins grad party, N-chan and i ended up calling people listed in our cell phones and destroying badminton raquettes xD. the little kids tried coming up with routines but all they were doing was saying "congradulations (my cousin's name)" for about an hour. afterwards my mom says it would be a great idea to throw me a grad party, in all seriousness x__X*. 

today i'm probably going to see harry potter and the book i didn't bother to read because the fourth one had the way too long segment about the world quidditch cup that had nothing to do with the rest of the book thus pissing me off enough to not even read the rest of the books after that. i just want to figured out if harry dies to see whether or not i have to give N-chan three bucks. bob also came to visit so he could used my uterus as a punching bag ><; joy. my poor dad had to get me midol at nine last night, it was/ is that bad :,<. 

i'm gonna drink the rest of my coffee and get my teeth brushed and all that cal.

bai bai <3 miyako.

i'm going to jamestown tomorrow. i have to get up relatively early.

i want to go now though, that's now i get before trips, i may have written about this before.

eight hour car ride, that should be fun, i have my music ready so it's not too much to deal with.
 
uh i want to take stupid pics.... that should be fun. 

yeah i'll report back about my trip, i might get to go to canada :D. 

bai bai <3 miyako 
How did you spend summers when you were a kid?

i used to go to the pratt centre which is like some small nature preserve in my town.
i always ended up losing at least one of my shoes when we went looking for tadpoles in the pond. it kind of sucked. now i work, bum around town with people, lay around the house, and the ocasional hanging around a friend's house. 

lawlz summer is funny. every year roasted dog and the stripper break off their friendship or whatever, then come school time they're friends again because they are ridiculous. i'm so glad that i broke from that so i don't feel obilgated to deal with those cunts anymore. i'm more focused on nice people that are worth "wasting" my time on now of days, it's one of those nice changes that comes with the time. soon i get  to go to Jamestown, i'm looking forward to seeing my family, i haven't seen my cousin in ages, i'm wondering if she's doing well.

i want to go to warped in boston sooo bad. i have the money for it and stuff too. i have to save my money for lots of stuff it seems, i want to save up for my tattoo i actually figured i'd wait untill the day my birthday, hide's birthday, and get it then since i'll have my money saved and the date is more apropriate plus my parents don't have to do all the permisson signing and stuff, i have to get warped tickets before august ninth and probably for my mom as well since in my parents mind i'll get raped if i don't tote one of them around with me the whole day, that's easy though since it's just $48 or so total and i make $60 a week and i'll have money to spare. i still have money (around $30 i think) from this week and i get $60 this week (maybe plus if they have me come in earlier this week on thursday to do billing and then saturday's six hours of cashiering) and then i might buy stuf in Jamestown, maybe not, but i'll have the cash just in case. i have to buy hair dye as well because i ran out of pink :< i want to dye it before i leave so it's bright, how i like it. too much stuff to focus on while doing nothing, i'm clocked x_X;.

i envy dream

hihihihi! 
i went shopping the other day and got some super cute stuff. IHASACHOCOCATPLUSHIE!!! ^_^.
if i save my money, by the end of the summer i can get a tattoo, like my parents will sign the agreement thingie.
i'm getting a pink spider on the back of my neck it will  be pretty sweet.

my dad rented that dead silence movie. it looks so stupid :<. i miss when movies could be stupid as shit be it would still be endearing because they have no budget. now it's just like "wow, you wasted a movie contract that could have gone to a halfway decent film" an di'm also fucking sick and tired all the fucking shitty american reproduction of good japanese movies. no the original will always be better than your rehash with stupid teenagers on the internet and some half witted explanation of why they're dying. most of the appeal of the originals was it wasn't explained what was happening and why an if they did it was good and original and the rest of the plot had a better emotional base to it and wasn't all about "look at the creepy kids" or "let's watch teenagers get killed. stop turning good works of art into tasteless, expensive, poorly portraid pieces of shit. if the original was so good that some american just had to remake it then why don't they just release the original with subtitles into theaters. if people don't like because they don't want / like to read then that's their problem for being morons.

meh i'm kinda of tired.  and i want noodles.

bai bai <3 miyako